A DAY TO REMEMBER

On October 11, 1946 the St. Louis Cardinals defeated the Boston Red Sox in Game 6 4-1.  The 35,798 attendees at Sportsman's Park, Missouri slid to victory by 3 time MVP Stan "The Man" Musial.

Meanwhile, in neighboring state Illinois a national icon was born.  Jack Fuller, a Pulitzer Prize recipient, has spent nearly forty years as a journalist and Editor with the Chicago Tribune.  The Northwestern and Yale graduate has worked on articles, editorials, blogs, and seven novels.

But did he write "Maneater?"  NOOOOPE!  But Daryl Hall did! On the same day as boring Jack Fuller's birth and the 1946 meaningless game 6 win by the St Louis Cardinals, a legend was born.

Daryl Hall was born in Pottstown, Pennsylvania.   With his vocal and songwriting gifts, along with his ability to punch the ivory keys, Hall's career had no limits.  But destiny struck in 1967 when Daryl Hall was introduced to John Oates.  Immediately Oates's cutoff blue shirts and dangerous mustache/perm combo helped take Hall & Oates to the top.  Hall described his relationship with band member John Oates "like a piano, you just gotta know which keys to stroke."  Two weeks later the duo released hit track "Private Eyes."

 Daryl Hall (left) John Oates (right)

Unbeknownst to their fans, the twosome lost millions trying to expand to the adult industry.  The band launched a male contraceptive product with famous slogan "Whoa here she comes," but it was short lived.
 

Oates mustache acted as a floatation device to the bands declining career in 2011.  The duo performed in front of a sold out crowd of 1,400 at the Chumash casino in California.  The venue described the performance as the best since Bob Seger two months prior.

 While currently selling out casinos all over the Palm Desert area, Hall & Oates are also concentrating on their next album.  Some of the bands future work has been rumored to be the following:

"If I met God, I'd Ice Him"
"You're kiss is NOT on my list."
"John Hall > Tom Selleck"
"The keyboards been drinking, not me"
"I swear to GOD John, if you don't get that
mustache outta my face!"



Cheers to you Daryl Hall, keep it up!  John, don't over do it OK.

IN-N-OUT BURGER & AL-QAEDA??

While last week we celebrated the defeat of Osama Bin Laden, sources allege a major assault by Al-Qaeda on our home turf.  An assault not erected in direct violence, but a severe limp assault to Westerners nonetheless. 

Many choose suicide rather than accept In-N-Out out of state expansion.

Every time I mistakenly leave the glorious Western United States, the first thing I do when touching down at LAX is hit THE STRIP CLUBS!  Wait… scratch that…  I mean In-N-Out Burger…  As sure as the ocean is West of Hwy 101 and the Governator cheats on his wife with the household help, Californians have supported the fast-food chain since its birth in 1948.  Whether it be a simple satisfying cheeseburger or a double-double w/Onion, In-N-Out Burger is as authentic and patriotic as Mexican food. 

 Well last Wednesday, May 11th, our lives changed forever when Texas swooped TWO In-N-Outs from under our noses!   To make things even WORSE, Washington and Utah are jumping on board in the tragic "Burger-Raping" of 2011.  I mean we’ve only got so many months until these newbie’s discover The Secret Menu. Allegers allege, "Could this be the workings of Al-Qaeda?"


Bring In-N-Out Burger back to the patrons who love it most.  Like Paris Hilton whom was arrested for DUI at In-N-Out Burger in 2006 after being really hungry.

“I was just really hungry.”                                                                           -Paris Hilton

Or Lakers Ron Artest whom allegedly spent $4,000 at an In-N-Out last January.  The kind, caring, delicate flower (Artest) commented:

I love In-N-Out!  It’s addicting!  It’s the only reason I’m here in L.A.!  If it wasn’t for In-N-Out Burger, I probably would’ve gone to Memphis or something!”          -Ron Artest

(Note:  While this quote is completely accurate, I did add the exclamation marks…)

I for one will NOT share my beloved fast-food chains with these eastern burger-bums!   Keep your Dunkin Donuts and Taco Buenos east coast!  But as sure as the Governator has illegitimate children, California WILL bounce back.   Just remember California, there... is... ano-ther...ham-bur-gerrrrrrrr... (Hamburger Habit)

In closing, this is a really messy situation...  This franchise expansion is cheesy, and it is quite rare that such a dignified establishment would act in such an animal style...  Did you see what I did there? 

Wait...  Is this slander??  Ruh-Roh!!

YACHT CLUB MEMBER FOR A DAY

The airs just a little sweeter and the drinks a little stronger at THE YACHT CLUB.

We've all wondered what it would be like to pass through those double doors, make that walk up the stairs, grab a drink at the bar and look down on everyone else in society.  Well, yesterday I joined that elite club!   Yes readers, the Santa Barbara YACHT CLUB is a place where you can relax and just have a real conversation with someone.  Except Mexicans...  And Blacks...  And Asians.   Is it inappropriate to say "Orientals?"  I was always under the impression that Oriental was a safer call than Asian...  Anyway, you won't find any of those guys at the yacht club...  I mean this isn't the Port Hueneme Yacht Club.  But what you will find are A LOT of old white guys.

And what better way to pop my cherry than to be chauffeured by The Commodore (1991) himself!   Hanging out with The Commodore at THE YACHT CLUB, is like something something Rob Schneider.  Kinda a big deal.  Some of you may be asking yourselves:

"What does The Commodore drink at THE YACHT CLUB?"

I'll tell you what he drinks, the biggest damn glass of red wine he can put his little Commodore hands on!!!   Also Skyy Pineapple Vodka.  Ya... That was uh...   That was a surprise...

Even though for one day I was among the elite of society, members of THE YACHT CLUB came off as a little... salty.  Yes there were Polo and Nautica shirts worn by many, but boat owners smell of a different breed.  Un-showered, smelly, yellow teeth, it's like hanging out with the bad guys from Pinocchio.



Conversations you may overhear at the yacht club:

• Funny boat names- Yeah Buoy, Master-Baiter, Aqua-holic , Reel Hooker
• Sailor Jokes:

 "You know what they say about those Port Hueneme Yacht Club Members. 

  If you don't sleep on your back someone will!"

• And of course the shady perve conversations:

"Is that Dorothy Clemens little girl?  Boy she's got an ass that'll swallow up a G-string!"

In closing, I hope this entry has give'n you the gist of what "Wet Wednesday" at THE YACHT CLUB is all about.  I always thought gist was spelled with a j like jist.  Sometimes I feel like my spell check purposely makes me look bad.  Like a Jewish editor at a Nazi news press.  That would be interesting.  Why havent they made that movie yet?  Lazy Ben Stiller. 

Here's to you yacht club, I will see you in my dreams!

Does the career advice, "Come early on your first day" apply in the porn business?

TOP 10 SANDWICHES IN SB

A ham sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food here."

Hey Ryan, you like grey poop-on your sandwiches...

All jokes aside, sandwiches play an important role in our lives.

The layman's definition of a sandwich is:

two (or more) slices of bread with filling between them.  

But we all know that this definition is absurd!  The person(s) who use this definition are the same people that believe the Holocaust never happened, or that Justin Bieber's new haircut looks ANY different than his old one.  The rest of us define a sandwich as:

A pure angelic gift that unites and heals people from all over the globe.  This sacred experience defines  the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe.  Best served on sourdough while watching football.

THE LIST

Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present to you my best of sandwiches list.  Unless you squeeze Halle Berry and Heidi Klum together, you can't possibly "sandwich" anything better than this!  Here it is folks...  My top sandwiches in Santa Barbara.

Honorable Mentions

Bitterman's Deli,  Whenever my invisible girlfriend goes shopping I always sneak away to this gem.  Served with bagel chips and old reruns of Seinfeld.  Oh George.
Woody's BBQ.  This place will make you poop. But I'll for sure grab a magazine and kiss the toilet after enjoying the Bullwhacker or Mother Clucker in this hoot'n'nanny establishment!
Petrini's Restaurant.  You like balls?  3 words:  MEAT BALL SUB!  Make sure you grab extra napkins with this panty-dropper!
Whitefoot Meat Market.  RIP Whitefoot.  Thank you old bald guy who used to make a mean tri tip sandwich.

10.  Three Picles Deli

Q:  What do you get when you put a deer and a pickle together.

A:  A dill-doe.

But seriously the sandwiches are pretty good here...

9.  Taqueria el Bahio

Habla espanol?  You'll be singing in Spanish after you try the best torta sandwich in town!

8.  Italian Grocery

Come watch "THE LEGEND," Tino himself make his famous Deluxe or Super Deluxe sandos! (But make sure Tino washes his hands.  And don't worry about that angry chick at the cash register.  Aaaand don't order anything at the deli besides sandwiches...)

7.  Sam's to Go

Are these Indian dudes all brothers or something?  Anyways, they can make a hell of a classic sando!  Nothin fancy but you wont be disappointed.  Grab the #27 but make sure you're at the Milpas location to get that bacon extra crispy! 

6.  Coldspring's Tavern

Just the tip here.  Eat the best Tri-Tip sandwich in the location it was meant to be in.  Its all about the Tri-Tip baby!  Mmmmmm!  

5.  805 Deli

The Courthouse Club.  Nothin funny bout that!  Great avo spread, and you can even wash down your sando with some soft serve yogurt!

4.  South Coast Deli

Discovered by the Germans...  A bit on the expensive side, but boy is it worth it.  Not only does South Coast always have the hippest patios in town, the sando's are pretty bomb too.

3.  D'Vine Cafe

You know its a good sandwich when the breads so hard it rips the inside of your mouth.  The title says it all in this one.  Enjoy the Mediterranean vibe in this local secret! 

2.  Cantwell's Market & Deli

"EREEEEEEEEEEK!"  This place has EVERYTHING, and you will definitely leave with your belly full.  Make sure to put the Dutch Crunch on your sando and experience crunch-delight.    Is that blond chick the owner of this place or something?  I'm always there and it seems like she runs the place.  I bet she's a crappy boss...

1.  Country Meat Market & Deli

Enjoy the freshest meat in town in this simple but elegant deli nestled right by Zodos in Goleta.  You can enjoy your sando with a side of delicious potato or pasta salad, or just nibble on the delightful pickle that comes with every sando.  And its close to Break Time bar...

 You know what would NOT be good on a sandwich.

Russel Brand.  That guy's the worst!

FUNNY STORIES WITH ASTHMA!

Did you know that Christopher Reeve was diagnosed with asthma?  I find that debatable...

So I went to the doctors office today for a pulmonary somethin somethin test.  I was connected to a computer which had a picture of a cartoon house on fire on the monitor.  I was told to blow out as much air as I could into a plastic tube, and when I did a cartoon  fireman would shoot water at the burning house on the monitor.  The nurse kept telling me "BLOW HARDER! BLOW HARDER!"  But each attempt the water from the fireman's hose didn't even come close to the foundation of the cartoon burning house.  At the end of the obscure test, the nurse gave me a sorrowed brow as the test results printed out.  She told me she could not read me the results and that I would have to meet later with the doctor to find out.  But I know...  I know I let that computer house burn to the ground!

I am accepting donations to help rebuild the computer family's house and for computer medical bills for Timothy, a tragic victim in the computer fire.  Where are you on this one Oprah?

 

Copper Chesterpot, he gets me wheezy every time!

THE DAILY STRUGGLES OF "THE UNEMPLOYED MAN"

People do not understand all the hardships of being unemployed.  Sure EVERYONE goes to work for 8+ hours a day, but what about the "others?"  Do you know how boring it is being unemployed?   You can only watch ESPN sooo many times, and sh%t REALLY hits the fan when you realize you've rented every single movie at Blockbuster.  Soooooo I have come up with a list for the newbies to follow when people encounter these conflicts.

10 things to do while unemployed. (Hint: its not find a job)
 

1)  Start an "Unemployed-Posse"
My friend (whom asked to be unidentified) started his own club for others unemployed like him. 

 




2)  Go bug your friends at their work environment 
This is a great way to see your friends, but don't flaunt your lifestyle around here too much or you may be offered a job.

3)  Start a blog
Blogs are a great excuse to lie in bed ALLLL day and write a couple fun items for others to enjoy.

4)  Watch old re-runs of Lakers Hardwood Classics!
No better way to spend a beautiful day in Santa Barbara then locking yourself in your garage and watching replays of old Laker games!  Magic, Worthy, Cooper, Scott, Rambis, Kareem...  AWESOME!

 
5)  Whatta about grabbin a sauna at the local YMCA???
Sauna's are fun great way to blow off some steam.   Just make sure you go to the Montecito YMCA, the sauna at the Hollister YMCA is ... just don't go there.

6)  Start a tab somewhere
A tab or credit are great ways to take a break from your routine of being a "poor disappointment" and have some fun out on the town!

7)  Pitch a tent!
Got some old camping gear stowed away somewhere?  Now is a great time to whip that stuff out and see how its holding up! 






 


8)  Gotta sweet-tooth?  Head to the bank!
Banks have all sorts of neat stuff!  Coffee, tea, candy!  I recommend the Santa Barbara Bank & Trust on Nogales by Cottage Hospital.

Honestly if you've gotten this far then you are a wiser man than I!

But... There's always:  Steal a boat, watch reruns of Murder She Wrote, see how many oyster shooters you can take at Brophy Brothers, make a BLT, read that book about hikes in Santa Barbara but don't actually go on any hikes, bring out your old Legos...

NIC CAGE: KICK ASS OR SNAKE EYES?

"The Cage" has been a guilty pleasure for us all the last three decades, but has our National Treasure gone too far?  Not to mention his current picture Season of the Witch, in which Nic Cage plays Behmen a crusader in charge of  transporting a girl accused of being a witch.  Really?  We all know Nic Cage can play a falling down drunk in Vegas, or a moral Police Officer with a winning lottery ticket, but a church crusader battling demons in medieval times?  I don't think so.  I mean don't get me wrong Nicolas Cage CAN act, and HAS won TWO Oscars.  BUT, his Oscars were for his painful roles in National Treasure and Ghost Rider...

  I mean what happened to the classics?  H.I. said it best, "There's what's right and there's what's right and never the twain shall meet."  But can we really forgive him wasting so much of our time the last 15 years? But again, Raising Arizona was a REALLY good movie.  Soo good...

Could Cage's flailing career be attributed to his relationship with his third wife?  Its obvious Cage has TYF (The Yellow Fever) for marrying a Korean waitress, but Cage digs his own grave with their newborn.  Nic and Alice named their 5 year old son Kal-El after Superman's birth name.  Really?  If I were Nic Cage I would have named him Natahan JR!  In addition, suicide rates have increased 15% after hearing about Cage's 2012 release of ANOTHER Ghostrider and National Treasure 3 (No joke).  Possibly these crap-movies are due to Cage owing over 14 million dollars to the IRS.  Well lets just hope Cage gets his career back on track before he's "Broke in 60 seconds."  However as always, I have a solution to take us all back to the glory days of Con Air, The Rock and Face Off (debatable). The answer is:  QUIT MAKING DUMB MOVIES!
  

In a nutshell.

In closing, you're Nicolas Cage and no one can ever take that away from you, but I'm going to have to give you a 6/10 on the acting paradigm, for now...  But seriously, STOP IT NIC CAGE!  SERIOUSLY!