NIC CAGE: KICK ASS OR SNAKE EYES?

"The Cage" has been a guilty pleasure for us all the last three decades, but has our National Treasure gone too far?  Not to mention his current picture Season of the Witch, in which Nic Cage plays Behmen a crusader in charge of  transporting a girl accused of being a witch.  Really?  We all know Nic Cage can play a falling down drunk in Vegas, or a moral Police Officer with a winning lottery ticket, but a church crusader battling demons in medieval times?  I don't think so.  I mean don't get me wrong Nicolas Cage CAN act, and HAS won TWO Oscars.  BUT, his Oscars were for his painful roles in National Treasure and Ghost Rider...

  I mean what happened to the classics?  H.I. said it best, "There's what's right and there's what's right and never the twain shall meet."  But can we really forgive him wasting so much of our time the last 15 years? But again, Raising Arizona was a REALLY good movie.  Soo good...

Could Cage's flailing career be attributed to his relationship with his third wife?  Its obvious Cage has TYF (The Yellow Fever) for marrying a Korean waitress, but Cage digs his own grave with their newborn.  Nic and Alice named their 5 year old son Kal-El after Superman's birth name.  Really?  If I were Nic Cage I would have named him Natahan JR!  In addition, suicide rates have increased 15% after hearing about Cage's 2012 release of ANOTHER Ghostrider and National Treasure 3 (No joke).  Possibly these crap-movies are due to Cage owing over 14 million dollars to the IRS.  Well lets just hope Cage gets his career back on track before he's "Broke in 60 seconds."  However as always, I have a solution to take us all back to the glory days of Con Air, The Rock and Face Off (debatable). The answer is:  QUIT MAKING DUMB MOVIES!
  

In a nutshell.

In closing, you're Nicolas Cage and no one can ever take that away from you, but I'm going to have to give you a 6/10 on the acting paradigm, for now...  But seriously, STOP IT NIC CAGE!  SERIOUSLY!

TACO BELL'S BEEFY CRUNCH BURRITO GENIUS OR RETARD?

The best part of the Beefy Crunch Burrito is crapping it out.  While eating a Beefy Crunch Burrito, you have activated a GIANT shit-bomb with a 2 minute ticker.  Eat cautiously.  The following entry will prove that this 500 calorie cheesy, beefy, crunchy Mexican Goop of SOMETHING, is SOMETHING I never want to taste again.

BE WARNED!  Looking straight into the burrito after your first bite is not advisable, as you will be attacked by red Fritos GAWKING out at you like deadly serpents from Hell!   Isn't it interesting how the Frito Lay company is owned by Taco Bell, and now the rest of us have to suffer during these inhumane experiments!  God forbid you get the Frito-Burrito to-go, as your hungry stomach will be welcomed by crap beef and soggy red Fritos turning this disaster into tragedy!  As far as the Flame'n Hot slogan which “blow your brains out spicy,” all I can say is my brains were NOT "blown."

All in all this is an age old Taco Bell mistake.  Doesn't anyone remember the short lived Chili Cheese Burrito which was also accompanied with Frito corn chips?   Add this steamy pile with red chips poke'n out to the archives with the rest of Taco Bell's downfalls.   Such as:  The Baja Chicken Chalupa, The Meximelt, The Zesty Chicken Bowl, Apple Empenadas, The Super Taco, The Chaco Taco, The Enchurrito, and the late great Shrimp Taco.  But of course my favorite, The Morning After Burrito.

My burrito was wrapped in the "Featured Item" paper, as if Taco Bell was puzzled on how to exhibit the food. 




Furthermore, is Taco Bell losing its touch?  After I ordered my Beefy Crunch Burrito from the respectable T-Bell lady with thicker sideburns than my own, I was scolded "DO NOT PUT SODA IN THE WATER CUP!"  Really?  I gotta be yelled at while I try to quench my thirst to mans most vital binary compound? (water for the layman...)  No need to stress Taco Bell, I have the answer to boost you back to the top!  A deep fried burrito.  We'll call it The Monte Cristo, or The Monte Cristo Supreme!  Or Chimichanga... Overall, the greatest part of tonight's Taco Bell experience was the extra hot sauce I added to my already huge bag of Taco Bell hot sauce at home.  Fire fo' life!

 
All in all I rate the Beefy Crunch Burrito 1/10.  SAVE YOURSELF!  Even Jesus didn't have to make this much of a sacrifice.

DEDICATIONS...

I'd like to dedicate this blog to the 8 people who actually read it!

 

Kelly

Corinna

Me 
Horace Grant

Lynn

Reid (sometimes)

Lidia

Tracy

(all others who stumble across this blog may comment under this entry & I will add your name to the dedicated)

PRELUDE #2

Nagelmann’s last blog was an international success.. The scholar acted as confessor and predictor as he gave worldly counsel and guidance to us all. Some labeled him a prophet while others merely described him as the wisest man of modern times.

Unfortunately the blog’s triumphs were also tied with its doom.  Nagelmann was vigorously attacked and slandered ultimately forcing him to remove his prized blog.  With his image left smeared and vilified, sleepless nights plagued the young writer as he was continuously scrutinized by his own demons in the shadows.   With all evidence of his previous work permanently deleted, Sir Nagelmann left in exile defeated and embarrassed.

After the tragedy, many believed Nagelmann's best days were behind him.  However, the young scholar did not give up so hastily.  He drew his sword quicker than a Shake-Weight and fought for his Freedom of Speech!  Blow after blow, after blow… Nagelmann took finally erecting to his feet once more to bring forth a new and improved blog, so accurate and vulgar that no man or deity could spoil it's fruits!

So with great anticipation Nagelmann has come forth with his promised best work.  All those who oppose this greatness put on your rubber sheets because this my friends is going to be one for the ages!

Get offended, get angry, laugh at others and Rub Some Dirt On It!