YACHT CLUB MEMBER FOR A DAY

The airs just a little sweeter and the drinks a little stronger at THE YACHT CLUB.

We've all wondered what it would be like to pass through those double doors, make that walk up the stairs, grab a drink at the bar and look down on everyone else in society.  Well, yesterday I joined that elite club!   Yes readers, the Santa Barbara YACHT CLUB is a place where you can relax and just have a real conversation with someone.  Except Mexicans...  And Blacks...  And Asians.   Is it inappropriate to say "Orientals?"  I was always under the impression that Oriental was a safer call than Asian...  Anyway, you won't find any of those guys at the yacht club...  I mean this isn't the Port Hueneme Yacht Club.  But what you will find are A LOT of old white guys.

And what better way to pop my cherry than to be chauffeured by The Commodore (1991) himself!   Hanging out with The Commodore at THE YACHT CLUB, is like something something Rob Schneider.  Kinda a big deal.  Some of you may be asking yourselves:

"What does The Commodore drink at THE YACHT CLUB?"

I'll tell you what he drinks, the biggest damn glass of red wine he can put his little Commodore hands on!!!   Also Skyy Pineapple Vodka.  Ya... That was uh...   That was a surprise...

Even though for one day I was among the elite of society, members of THE YACHT CLUB came off as a little... salty.  Yes there were Polo and Nautica shirts worn by many, but boat owners smell of a different breed.  Un-showered, smelly, yellow teeth, it's like hanging out with the bad guys from Pinocchio.



Conversations you may overhear at the yacht club:

• Funny boat names- Yeah Buoy, Master-Baiter, Aqua-holic , Reel Hooker
• Sailor Jokes:

 "You know what they say about those Port Hueneme Yacht Club Members. 

  If you don't sleep on your back someone will!"

• And of course the shady perve conversations:

"Is that Dorothy Clemens little girl?  Boy she's got an ass that'll swallow up a G-string!"

In closing, I hope this entry has give'n you the gist of what "Wet Wednesday" at THE YACHT CLUB is all about.  I always thought gist was spelled with a j like jist.  Sometimes I feel like my spell check purposely makes me look bad.  Like a Jewish editor at a Nazi news press.  That would be interesting.  Why havent they made that movie yet?  Lazy Ben Stiller. 

Here's to you yacht club, I will see you in my dreams!

Does the career advice, "Come early on your first day" apply in the porn business?

TOP 10 SANDWICHES IN SB

A ham sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food here."

Hey Ryan, you like grey poop-on your sandwiches...

All jokes aside, sandwiches play an important role in our lives.

The layman's definition of a sandwich is:

two (or more) slices of bread with filling between them.  

But we all know that this definition is absurd!  The person(s) who use this definition are the same people that believe the Holocaust never happened, or that Justin Bieber's new haircut looks ANY different than his old one.  The rest of us define a sandwich as:

A pure angelic gift that unites and heals people from all over the globe.  This sacred experience defines  the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe.  Best served on sourdough while watching football.

THE LIST

Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present to you my best of sandwiches list.  Unless you squeeze Halle Berry and Heidi Klum together, you can't possibly "sandwich" anything better than this!  Here it is folks...  My top sandwiches in Santa Barbara.

Honorable Mentions

Bitterman's Deli,  Whenever my invisible girlfriend goes shopping I always sneak away to this gem.  Served with bagel chips and old reruns of Seinfeld.  Oh George.
Woody's BBQ.  This place will make you poop. But I'll for sure grab a magazine and kiss the toilet after enjoying the Bullwhacker or Mother Clucker in this hoot'n'nanny establishment!
Petrini's Restaurant.  You like balls?  3 words:  MEAT BALL SUB!  Make sure you grab extra napkins with this panty-dropper!
Whitefoot Meat Market.  RIP Whitefoot.  Thank you old bald guy who used to make a mean tri tip sandwich.

10.  Three Picles Deli

Q:  What do you get when you put a deer and a pickle together.

A:  A dill-doe.

But seriously the sandwiches are pretty good here...

9.  Taqueria el Bahio

Habla espanol?  You'll be singing in Spanish after you try the best torta sandwich in town!

8.  Italian Grocery

Come watch "THE LEGEND," Tino himself make his famous Deluxe or Super Deluxe sandos! (But make sure Tino washes his hands.  And don't worry about that angry chick at the cash register.  Aaaand don't order anything at the deli besides sandwiches...)

7.  Sam's to Go

Are these Indian dudes all brothers or something?  Anyways, they can make a hell of a classic sando!  Nothin fancy but you wont be disappointed.  Grab the #27 but make sure you're at the Milpas location to get that bacon extra crispy! 

6.  Coldspring's Tavern

Just the tip here.  Eat the best Tri-Tip sandwich in the location it was meant to be in.  Its all about the Tri-Tip baby!  Mmmmmm!  

5.  805 Deli

The Courthouse Club.  Nothin funny bout that!  Great avo spread, and you can even wash down your sando with some soft serve yogurt!

4.  South Coast Deli

Discovered by the Germans...  A bit on the expensive side, but boy is it worth it.  Not only does South Coast always have the hippest patios in town, the sando's are pretty bomb too.

3.  D'Vine Cafe

You know its a good sandwich when the breads so hard it rips the inside of your mouth.  The title says it all in this one.  Enjoy the Mediterranean vibe in this local secret! 

2.  Cantwell's Market & Deli

"EREEEEEEEEEEK!"  This place has EVERYTHING, and you will definitely leave with your belly full.  Make sure to put the Dutch Crunch on your sando and experience crunch-delight.    Is that blond chick the owner of this place or something?  I'm always there and it seems like she runs the place.  I bet she's a crappy boss...

1.  Country Meat Market & Deli

Enjoy the freshest meat in town in this simple but elegant deli nestled right by Zodos in Goleta.  You can enjoy your sando with a side of delicious potato or pasta salad, or just nibble on the delightful pickle that comes with every sando.  And its close to Break Time bar...

 You know what would NOT be good on a sandwich.

Russel Brand.  That guy's the worst!

FUNNY STORIES WITH ASTHMA!

Did you know that Christopher Reeve was diagnosed with asthma?  I find that debatable...

So I went to the doctors office today for a pulmonary somethin somethin test.  I was connected to a computer which had a picture of a cartoon house on fire on the monitor.  I was told to blow out as much air as I could into a plastic tube, and when I did a cartoon  fireman would shoot water at the burning house on the monitor.  The nurse kept telling me "BLOW HARDER! BLOW HARDER!"  But each attempt the water from the fireman's hose didn't even come close to the foundation of the cartoon burning house.  At the end of the obscure test, the nurse gave me a sorrowed brow as the test results printed out.  She told me she could not read me the results and that I would have to meet later with the doctor to find out.  But I know...  I know I let that computer house burn to the ground!

I am accepting donations to help rebuild the computer family's house and for computer medical bills for Timothy, a tragic victim in the computer fire.  Where are you on this one Oprah?

 

Copper Chesterpot, he gets me wheezy every time!